The election of Donald Trump has provided me with an opportunity I daydreamed of, but never thought I’d ever live to see.
I will have the chance to see if I’m the person I imagine myself to be. I had not planned on this. I was content to express my values in comfortable conditions.
Things are changing so quickly. Racist, sexist, angry people are emboldened to act on their hatred. They lash out and taunt, sometimes just creating discomfort, sometimes fear, sometimes pain. The Trump administration and local governments don’t have to openly condone it, all they have to do is nothing. When the violent thugs and petty bullies see that there are no consequences, the attacks will grow more frequent, and more terrifying. And once we are terrified for ourselves and our families, they will have created the culture they want. A culture where non-whites, women, and LGBT people are less free, careful to go unnoticed. Where we cede our equality in return for our safety, for as long as they feel inclined to extend that deal.
And now, well into the second half of my life, I have to operate with a courage I have never had to take out of box. I am not fearless. I have shopping bags full of fear- for my family, my safety, my job, my peaceful life. But I am a mother, and so I can’t stand still in the face of this changing America that I must send my children into. I have to act even though I am afraid. And I know, if the bullies know there are no consequences, the virtuous anger of Middle Aged Lady isn’t going to shield me.
All their lives I have told my son and my daughter that the world was theirs to live in, and that if they go out into it with kindness and curiosity it will repay them with wonders. Maybe I am stupid. But I wasn’t lying, so now I have to fight to make it true.
I never thought I’d be here- that we’d be here. I never thought I would be called to live my values in a way that could cost me. I guess I held them cheap. Now I will see what I’m made of. I’m afraid of that, too.