This election has illuminated a lot of dark corners of public discourse, but the one that takes me by surprise is the sexism. It hasn't just brought a lot of used-up and distasteful ideas out where we can see them, it switched on the light in the room where I keep my rage. This is where the surprises are. It's a shed full of the poisons I drank and the blades I used to shave myself away. I didn't even know I kept them.
When I grew up, it was common for girls to learn that the thing they valued most about themselves, the thing that defined why they mattered in their own head, was not the thing that the world valued about them. Smart, funny, and strong were obstacles to work around or 'challenging' qualities to learn how to minimize or camouflage. Be that, but not too that. Or be that, but be this as well, so that isn't the only thing people notice. Some girls were good at it. Some girls, like myself, stunk at it, so we rebelled, and told ourselves that we didn't even want the stuff no one was interested in giving us anyway.
But the desire for some sexytime is strong, and fiercely drinking coffee alone with a book (SEE, I have a BOOK!) can get boring, so I learned. Be smart enough to get the point, but always make my own point in the form of a question. Be funny enough to get the joke, but don't try to make the joke. Run, don't race.
In the workplace, I learned that "just having some fun" was the permission slip men and managers had to say anything, and try some things. If the situation became uncomfortable, the failure was in my sense of humor, not in their behavior.
In my first marriage I learned the most painful lesson. I was so hungry for someone to value what I valued about myself, to acknowledge that I had a brain. It was easy for a skilled narcissist to dangle that validation in front of me like a dog treat, and I would jump and dance until my bones collapsed.
This is part of why Hillary Clinton's candidacy and presidency matter to me. When I watched her debate, she did something I could not imagine. She argued her case, she argued to win, but she never spent a single moment trying to make anyone else comfortable with her impressive intellect and thorough preparation. It was like watching someone fly. And I wondered, how much more could we as a nation− or a species− have accomplished if half the population had not spent 25% of their energy trying to make sure the other half felt okay with our capacity for excellence. What a waste.