I have been asked to officiate the wedding of a couple most dear to me.
I am overwhelmed.
I am ordained!
But most gleefully, I am briefly persuaded that this makes me An Authority On Marriage.
Unroll your eyes. I know I’m not. My sample size is two. But my enthusiasm-nostalgia-ego brain is running around like a nine-year-old at laser tag, so I’m getting this out of my system.
I will be marrying these lovely people, but what an absurd idea that is! The verbs are all wrong. Nothing I could say or do would make them married. Only they can do that, and they will need to do it every day.
I am a runner. The only reason I can claim that is because I choose to drag my dumb butt out of bed and step into the dark and run. If I stop making those choices and trotting those miles, I am not a runner. The doing makes the status.*
Marrying is the same.
It is the choice, every day, to be with a person authentically, generously, patiently-with humor and character and grace. Just like some runs aren’t great, some days the marrying might be sluggish or clumsy, or cut short. That’s okay. You wake up the next day, throw some forgiveness at the day before, and get back to marrying.
I believe most couples are actively marrying, on average, about 40 minutes a day, and that’s not even in a row. The rest is working or parenting or playing, or any of the hundred other things we do when we’re awake. If we can bring love and generosity and compassion to 5 minutes here and 10 minutes there, marrying isn’t that hard.
Being an adult is hard, though. Use hacks. But choose your hacks with intention, or they’ll choose you (looking at you, alcohol). Play some Yahtzee. Listen to music. Watch some standup. (Pro tip: Naked is the best hack. Take good care of your sex life and everything else will be 20% easier.**)
I could write a book about all my groundbreaking marriage theories, but really it would be 200 pages of be thoughtful and maybe have some sex.
I would be remiss not to say all this brilliance is due to three people: my parents, who for 50+ years put on a master class in marrying; and the other person who doesn't want me to gush about how wonderful he is because "I have a reputation to maintain."
* I am slow, and top out at 10K, so don’t get ideas.
** Apologies to my children, but I swear I’m right.