Andrew Sullivan wrote on Friday, “One of the great achievements of free society in a stable democracy is that many people, for much of the time, need not think about politics at all.” Sullivan is always good, and it’s oddly comforting to have his insightful (if excitable) voice back in the mix. Plus, he put his finger on my exhaustion.
My husband and I sit at the kitchen counter with our heads on our hands, having one more drink than we used to on a weeknight, rehashing. Or worse, trying to think of something else to talk about, but failing. We are already tired of this, and worried that we’re boring each other; which is a sad and uneasy place to be stuck in the greatest date of my life. But we are consumed. We are all consumed.
And I remember how this dominates your every breath, because I have been here before. I was in a long relationship with someone with psychological pathologies, and I know how to sleep with one eye open. I could rest, but never truly relax. I never stopped wondering what would come next, what form it would take, and what it would ruin. But I had no control. I spent the first ⅔ of the relationship believing that if I figured out how to say the right thing or do the right thing or explain correctly, the behavior was changeable. We’re intelligent people, right? What I never understood, because it seemed so contrary to reason, was that the whole thing was working for him. He didn’t want it to change, or to end. That I was careening between frantic and despondent didn’t even register. That I wasn’t on board just meant I was too dumb to keep up.
This idea is hard to let go of: if the president is confronted with the hypocrisy or the evidence of counterproductive cruelty, that he will change his behavior. It will never happen. This is working for him. He is the eye of the storm. Our existence is fictional. Spending our finite energy on incredulously parsing the effects of his every boneheaded tweet is a poor use of that resource.
Figure out how we got here, examine the weaknesses that led to this, but don’t get bogged down in blame. We’re here now. Focus on what we can change. Fight to protect what he’s casually destroying. Keep our eyes on 2018, and get our ducks in a row. The separation that will be the midterms won’t happen without a fight so ugly it will surprise us, and the divorce of 2020 will happen in a maelstrom of insane desperation that will suck all the oxygen out of our lives.
Last night I had the best distraction in weeks. I spent a few hours with a delightful toddler, and remembered how charmingly random that experience is. Her adoring parents were happy zombies- exhausted and blissed-out slaves. Now imagine her with a knife and a credit card in her hands. That’s where we all are now.